We have both talked with teenagers who felt completely broken up inside as their parents were going through a divorce. For example, we’re thinking  a young woman who felt that the divorce was her fault, a young woman who knew it wasn’t her fault, but she really missed her dad, and a young man who was torn between living with his mother and father.

In a lot of respects this is a personal question that should be answered differently depending on individual circumstances. But there are a few principles that we would want you to know if you are a teenager struggling with parents who are getting a divorce.

1. Know that the divorce is not your fault. Your parents are adults and they are making their own choices. Regardless of what you do (or don’t do) your parents have to make their own choices about what to do with their marriage. Please don’t feel guilt or take responsibility for the situation.

2. Know that God loves you. Right now you might be feeling unloved. With your parents going through struggles you may feel that nobody cares about you or your problems. You need to know that God cares about you. He has said, “I have loved thee with an everlasting love” (Jeremiah 31:3). The Savior said, “I will not leave you comfortless. I will come to you” (John 14:18). Know that in your hour of need, even if others abandon you, God never will.

3. Know that the scriptures will help you. The word of God is “quick and powerful” and it will help you in the struggles you face. Please remember to seriously study the scriptures. As you are in pain, feast on the scriptures. Search for answers, comfort and peace from them. God will speak to you from the scriptures.

These are just a few ideas that we have…we’d love it if people would share their comments, advice and ideas for teens who are struggling with their parents getting divorced.

The Destinies of Nations

Today is the day we honor the women in our lives, specifically our own mothers who gave us life, who nurtured and raised and fed and clothed us, who taught and tutored and showed us, who comforted and counseled and consoled us.  Above all, who loved us.  To all the mothers out there, we wish you a happy Mothers’ day, and cannot thank you enough for being givers of life.

In our world of freedom and opportunity to pursue multiple paths in life, let us never be ashamed or forget that God holds the role of mother as most supreme.  Nothing can take her place.  Nothing trumps her role.  No corporate position in a company, not title like “Dr.” or “Author” or “CEO”—as important as they may be—is more important to society than the title of “Mom.”  We love the verse in the Old Testament, when Deborah the great judge of Israel (like being on the supreme court in our day), self-proclaims the title that is most important to her: “[The inhabitants of] the villages ceased, they ceased in Israel, until that I Deborah arose, that I arose a mother in Israel.” (Judges 5:7; emphasis added).

Let us not forget that when the adversary wanted to destroy the world, he didn’t go after Adam, he went after Eve.  It’s not men that run this world, it is women. “And Satan . . . sought also to beguile Eve, for he knew not the mind of God, wherefore he sought to destroy the world” (Moses 4:6).  Satan knew the powerful influence that women have, both over men, and over their children.  As Patricia Holland (wife of Elder Jeffrey R. Holland) said, “If I were Satan and wanted to destroy a society, I think I would stage a full-blown blitz on women” (Patricia T. Holland, “ ‘One Thing Needful’: Becoming Women of Greater Faith in Christ,” Ensign, Oct. 1987, 29).  This is because motherhood exerts more influence on a family, and therefore on a society and nation, than any other role.

We often ask teenage students:  “Who are the most influential group of people on this earth?”  Their answers are usually things like, “The prophets” or “Movie stars” or “professional athletes” or “The President of the USA.” They miss the mark, and rarely mention motherhood and moms.  Listen to what President Brigham Young said: “The mothers are the moving instruments in the hands of Providence to guide the destinies of nations…Consequently, you see at once what I wish to impress upon your mind is, that the mothers are the machinery that give zest to the whole man, and guide the destinies and lives of men upon the earth” (President Brigham Young, Discourses of Brigham Young p. 199-200).  It is mothers—not the others—that guide nations.

Elder Neal A. Maxwell so eloquently said: “When the real history of mankind is fully disclosed, will it feature the echoes of gunfire or the shaping sound of lullabies? The great armistices made by military men or the peacemaking of women in homes and in neighborhoods? Will what happened in cradles and kitchens prove to be more controlling than what happened in congresses? When the surf of the centuries has made the great pyramids so much sand, the everlasting family will still be standing, because it is a celestial institution, formed outside telestial time. The women of God know this” (Elder Neal A. Maxwell, The Women of God, Ensign (CR), May 1978, p.10).

On this day, we salute you mothers, and publicly express our appreciation for your divine role in giving of your life—sacrificing your very body—so that we could gain ours.  No other role on earth is more like the Savior’s.  Notice how the Book of Moses puts the role of a mother next to the role of the Savior:  “inasmuch as ye were born into the world by water, and blood, and the spirit, which I have made, and so became of dust a living soul, even so ye must be born again into the kingdom of heaven, of water, and of the Spirit, and be cleansed by blood, even the blood of mine Only Begotten” (Moses 6:59).  The errand of a mother is the errand of angels. Just like Nephi said we ought to talk of Christ, and preach of Christ more often (see 2 Nephi 25:26), let us talk of mothers, preach of their divine role, and rejoice in motherhood more often.

“To be a righteous woman is a glorious thing in any age. To be a righteous woman during the winding up scenes on this earth, before the second coming of our Savior, is an especially noble calling. The righteous woman’s strength and influence today can be tenfold what it might be in more tranquil times. She has been placed here to help enrich, to protect, and to guard the home—which is society’s basic and most noble institution. Other institutions in society may falter and even fail, but the righteous woman can help to save the home, which may be the last and only sanctuary some mortals know in the midst of storm and strife” (President Spencer W. Kimball, “Privileges and Responsibilities of Sisters,” Ensign, Nov. 1978, 103).

We love and honor you mothers.

One of the best ways you can help less-active family members come back to church is to be the very best person you can be. President Hinckley often said “The most effective tract we will carry will be the goodness of our own lives” (Ensign, May 1999, 107). As family members see the goodness of your life they will be more likely to want to participate in the gospel.

In 3 Nephi 18, the Savior taught his disciples how to treat members of the church who were not living up to their covenants. He said, “Unto such shall ye continue to minister; for ye know not but what they will return and repent, and come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I shall heal them; and ye shall be the means of bringing salvation unto them” (3 Nephi 18:32). Notice what the Savior says that we should do and what he will do. He will heal them, and as we continue to minister we can be the means by which they decide to come back. There are some things that we can do; however, ultimately the Savior is the source of healing.

There are many ways we can minister to our family members. Part of that is providing loving service. Part of that may be inviting them to attend church or activities. Perhaps one of the best things we can do for those we love is to pray for them. In some cases that may mean sincerely praying daily for years. We can pour our hearts out to the Lord on behalf of those we love.

As you work to help less-active family members come to church, remember this counsel from Elder Richard G. Scott: “Never give up on a loved one, never!” (Ensign, May 1988).

As we’ve taught seminary and other classes, we’ve noticed that when this question is asked, many people are interested in the answer. Divorce affects several  people, and we want to know who we will be sealed to.

There are many similar questions — like, “If one parent dies and the other remarries and they have children will I still be sealed to their children?” or “If both my parents remarry and are sealed in the temple to their new spouse, who will I be sealed to?”

There are at least three key principles to keep in mind if you are wondering about these questions.

First, in some situations we just don’t know how the sealing will work out. It could be different depending on each individual circumstance. BUT,

The second principle is this: God is a kind, loving Heavenly Father.  He will make sure your sealing situation works out well. Don’t worry if your sealing situation doesn’t have an answer right now.  God will make sure your receive the blessings you are worthy of. Elder Dallin H. Oaks taught, “Singleness, childlessness, death, and divorce frustrate ideals and postpone the fulfillment of promised blessings…But these frustrations are only temporary. The Lord has promised that in the eternities no blessing will be denied his sons and daughters who keep the commandments…and desire what is right (Ensign, Nov. 1993, 75).

One of our favorite scriptures is in Revelation 21:4 . Talking about the millennium it says, “And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.”

God will make it so that everything works out.

A third principle to consider is that even more important than which parent you will be sealed to is which SPOUSE you will be sealed to (see why does who I date matter?) You can prepare now for a temple marriage and do your best to be sealed in the temple to that special someone, your very best friend.

By the way, the New Era has a great article on what to do when your parents get divorced.

We express love to any who feel scared or confused about who they we will be sealed to. Even though we cannot give a clear general answer to this question, these three scriptures may provide some comfort for you. Listen to the words of the Lord to you:

“I know thee by name” (Exodus 33:12)

“I have loved thee with an everlasting love” (Jeremiah 31:3)

“I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee” (Hebrews 13:5)

One reason why a curfew is good is summed up in a quotation by President Hinckley. We included it in our book as a tip for saying morally clean: “Nothing really good happens after 11 o’clock at night” (Gordon B. Hinckley, “To the Women of the Church,” Ensign, Nov 2003, 113).

The Doctrine and Covenants says, “Retire to thy bed early that ye may not be weary” (D&C 88:124). Having a curfew is starting to sound like a good idea!

One other thought–we assume that the person asking this question has a curfew imposed by parents. If your parents have created a curfew for you, it’s important to remember to honor your parents. With all they’ve done for you, keeping a curfew really isn’t asking too much…

Of the Ten Commandments that God gave to Moses, only one came with a stated promise:
the fifth commandment, which says, “Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be
long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee” (Exodus 20:12; emphasis added). The
scriptures don’t spell out exactly how it is that your days will be long, but common sense dictates
that those who honor their parents will probably live longer than if they didn’t.

If for some reason you feel your parents aren’t looking out for your best interest, then you can still disagree without being disagreeable (Marvin J. Ashton, “No Time for Contention,”, May 1978, 7). You can honor them, even if you disagree with them. You can speak to them kindly, you can listen patiently, you can compliment and thank them for their advice, and you can serve and love them. The commandment to “Honor thy father and mother” (Exodus 20:12) doesn’t just mean to obey our parents, it also implies respect, reverence, honesty, and bringing praise to them.